I half joke and half attempt to motivate myself with the ‘my jimny cricket says…’ comments.  This week I know I’m doing it right because it really really does hurt.  Not to indulge in self-pity, but just factually stating the theme that has surfaced this week.  I’m still settling in on a routine for the semester, the work load is mounting, kids are more aware and demanding than ever, and hubby is too.  Maybe I’ll make it out the other side of this ‘project’ and find out I won’t like where I’ve wound up.  Or maybe that’s just the residue of stress and tension that whispers false ideas.  Maybe I just would like to have had the foresight and perseverance early on and now I am discouraged by the hard place where I find myself.  And maybe I’m having a hard time accepting it.  Or am I having a hard time accepting that I’m not the same shape as the cutout that I’m always trying to fit myself into.  Third time is the charm is the joking theme I came up with for something unrelated to school.  This other thing would be something I would be doing for the third time and grad school is also something I’m trying for the third time.  Ironically both topics will be settled in the near future and then put to rest.  The funny part is that I’m not sure if failure is the failing or the succeeding.  It’s that dual natured Gemini bullsh$t that always comes back to bite me.  If I don’t make it as a well-dressed office professional, I know I’ll be fine as a tattooed, self-deprecating starving artist.  I know I’ve always been more well-rounded and satisfied in the latter position, but what will my kids think?  And who will pay for their college education?

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